30 Funny and Short Quotes About Love from Famous Comedians

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” — Chris Rock

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner

“My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.” — Rodney Dangerfield

“My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.” — Ray Romano

“I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough.” — Russell Brand

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.” — Joan Rivers

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” — Richard Jeni​​

“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.” — Jackie Mason

“Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” — Erma Bombeck

“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling

“Women love a self-confident bald man.” — Larry David

“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” — Lily Tomlin

“A kiss may not be the truth but it is what we wish were true.” — Steve Martin as Harris Telemacher in L.A. Story

“If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.” — Chelsea Peretti

“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” — Garry Shandling

“If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.” — Fran Lebowitz

“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” — Phyllis Diller

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” — Groucho Marx

“I was like, Am I gay? Am I straight? And I realized … I’m just slutty. Where’s my parade?” — Margaret Cho

“Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. Now who’s asking the questions?” — Jack Handy

“Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” — George Burns

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” — Billy Crystal

“I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, “And another thing …” — Felicia Michaels

“I can’t make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75.” — Rob Delaney

“Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings.” — David Sedaris​

“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” — Natasha Leggero

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.” — Chelsea Handler

“My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor.” — Elayne Boosler

“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers.” — Richard Pryor

21 Matisyahu Quotes to Keep You Inspired

“I can show you where to dig, and what to dig for, but the digging you must do for yourself.” – Matisyahu

“Who’s gonna make you happy when you’re your own worst enemy?” – Matisyahu

“When there’s light shining on a tree, that tree takes on different meaning. If there’s no light at all it just looks dead. If you look at light as godly meaning, the world comes alive in a certain way.” – Matisyahu

“Reach for the sky Keep your eye on the prize Forever in my mind Be my golden sunshine It’s raining in your mind So push them clouds aside Forever by my side You’re my golden sunshine” – Matisyahu

“I don’t think you could pull one Bob Marley song that didn’t have quotes from the Torah or the Old Testament.” – Matisyahu

“My music is not really about one ideology. It’s not about one truth.” – Matisyahu

“The religious lifestyle keeps you focused. It’s helpful when trying to manoeuvre through the music scene.” – Matisyahu

“Everyone’s right or wrong, Everyone’s got an opinion, put them in a song and let me keep on living.” – Matisyahu

“All my life I been waitin’ for I been prayin’ for, for the people to say that we don’t want to fight no more. They’ll be no more wars and our children will play, one day.” – Matisyahu

“Some artists are bound to an image: Bob Marley has dreadlocks, Matisyahu has a beard. But that’s a reminder that the whole thing is not about style. It’s about music.” – Matisyahu

“The idea that God’s mercy is connected to whether or not I shave is ludicrous and I need to just trust myself, and that, you know, if I’m deserving of God’s mercy, I’ll get it, regardless of, you know, my beard,” – Matisyahu

“I think there is a tendency for people to get rigid and caught up in their beliefs of what is right and wrong, and they lose sight of humanity. Being human has to come first before right or wrong.” – Matisyahu

“You’re looking for help from God, you say he couldn’t be found. Looking up to the sky and searchin’ beneath the ground.” – Matisyahu

“I was into acting as a kid. There was a time when I was 18 that I played the boy in a production of ‘Equus’ in Oregon, and I thought that was going to be my life.” – Matisyahu

“I am reclaiming myself. Trusting my goodness and my divine mission.” – Matisyahu

“My life is not separate from my music, you know? It’s not like a day job that I leave and go home. It’s who I am as a person and how I am trying to grow, come closer to God, be a better person.” – Matisyahu

“Reggae music isn’t Jewish, but a lot of the ideas are.” – Matisyahu

“The world that I come from is the world of raves, hip-hop clubs, and rock and roll.” – Matisyahu

“We’re so quick to go to make things black and white, and to put things in their box. But everything is this mixture – and that’s what this world is – is this blend of different things.” – Matisyahu

“Most of my life wasn’t about knowledge from books, but experiential knowledge.” – Matisyahu

“At a certain point, I felt the need to submit to a higher level of religiosity to move away from my intuition and to accept an ultimate truth. I felt that in order to become a good person, I needed rules – lots of them – or else I would somehow fall apart. I am reclaiming myself. Trusting my goodness and my divine mission.” – Matisyahu

“Growing up, the way that I looked was very important to me. I was always trying to impress people, and when I grew my beard there was a certain freedom, a separation, getting past this the way I looked, identify myself as a spiritual seeker.” – Matisyahu

323 Hilarious and Funny Quotes to Make Your Day Better

I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect. – Oscar Wilde

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?– Steven Wright

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Robin Williams

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. – Norm Crosby

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours. – Yogi Berra

My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. – Jimmy Carter

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. – Andy Rooney

I’m in shape. Round is a shape. – George Carlin

I’m too drunk to taste this chicken. – Colonel Sanders

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. – Matt Groening

Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much. – Oscar Wilde

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. – Albert Einstein

I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag. – Molly Ivins

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. – Rita Rudner

Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories. – Jessica Simpson

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. – George Burns

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Al McGuire

Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both. – Janet Evanovich

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I. – Oscar Levant

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. – Ellen DeGeneres

I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical. – Arthur C. Clarke

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad. – Woody Allen

When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’– Sydney J. Harris

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. – Rodney Dangerfield

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. – Albert Camus

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. – Cathy Guisewite

Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most. – Ozzy Osbourne

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists. – Jean Rostand

Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you. – Jeffree Star

To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States. – George W. Bush

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces. – Will Rogers

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop. – Gertrude Stein

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. – Ann Landers

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible. – Doug Larson

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. – Ashleigh Brilliant

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. – Winston S. Churchill

Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. – Bob Thaves

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?– Robin Williams

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. – Kurt Vonnegut

If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again. – Stan Laurel

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?– George Carlin

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. – Mitch Hedberg

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. – Woody Allen

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. – William JamesA lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. – Winston Churchill

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. – Oscar Wilde

If you must make a noise, make it quietly. – Oliver Hardy

Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times. – Helen Rowland

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. – Bill Murray

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. – George Carlin

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer. – Rob Corddry

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it. – George Bernard Shaw

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. – Steven Wright

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. – Will Rogers

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you. – Billy Wilder

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. – Carl Sagan

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. – Steven Wright

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. – Natalie Wood

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. – Samuel Goldwyn

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?– Scott Adams

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. – Phyllis Diller

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. – James Thurber

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. – Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. – Rodney Dangerfield

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. – Jack Benny

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. – Casey Stengel

All men are equal before fish. – Herbert Hoover

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. – Groucho Marx

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. – Ellen DeGeneres

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. – Milton Berle

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. – George Carlin

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. – David Letterman

I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. – Fred Allen

A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. – Walter Bagehot

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. – H. L. Mencken

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. – Bernard Baruch

I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead. – Samuel Goldwyn

It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours. – Harry S. Truman

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. – Steven Wright

The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. – Gore Vidal

Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know. – Daniel J. Boorstin

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. – Woody Allen

All my life I’ve wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought. – Robert Breault

The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government. – Edward Abbey

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. – Bill Murray

I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time. – Mark Twain

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. – Jackie Mason

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. – Alexander Woollcott

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. – Bob Hope

A day without laughter is a day wasted. – Charlie Chaplin

Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard. – Margaret Culkin Banning

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. – Harlan Ellison

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. – George Carlin

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. – Mark Twain

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer. – Douglas Adams

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. – Golda Meir

When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic. – Jane Wagner

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?– George Carlin

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. – Mark Twain

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. – Billy Sunday

Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid. – John Wayne

I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock. – Henny Youngman

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain

I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun. – Scott Adams

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – A. A. Milne

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more. – Walter Matthau

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. – W. C. Fields

Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something. – Enid Blyton

Life is a sexually transmitted disease. – R. D. Laing

The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper. – Bertrand Russell

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!– Billy Connolly

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward. – John Maynard Keynes

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’– Conan O’Brien

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed. – Josh Billings

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? – Jerry Seinfeld

That’s the funny thing about life. We’re rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present. – Lauren Miller

I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly. – Peter Cook

When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life. – Richard Lewis

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. – Mitch Hedberg

Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies. – Oliver Goldsmith

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. – Wilhelm II

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. – Ronald Reagan

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.’– Homer Simpson

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. – Benjamin Franklin

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?– Benny Hill

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. – Fred Allen

Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. – John Hughes

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. – Thomas A. Edison

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. – Emo Philips

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood. – Oscar Wilde

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. – Laurence J. Peter

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. – Mike Myers

Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something. – Mitch Hedberg

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. – Groucho Marx

War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography. – Ambrose Bierce

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right. – Ashleigh Brilliant

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. – Steven Wright

It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames. – Harry Hill

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. – Bill Watterson

I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. – Billy Connolly

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so. – Bertrand Russell

We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know. – W. H. Auden

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. – Earl Wilson

I hate women because they always know where things are. – Voltaire

I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job. – Samuel Goldwyn

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. – Lawrence Ferlinghetti

Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. – Laurell K. Hamilton

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. – Abraham Lincoln

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. – Steven Wright

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. – Buddy Hackett

I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me. – Marc Maron

If you lived with a roommate as unstable as this economic system, you would’ve moved out or demanded that your roommate get professional help. – Richard D. Wolff

Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. – Robert Orben

You cannot be anything if you want to be everything. – Solomon Schechter

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age. – George Burns

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?– Jay Leno

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. – Jerry Seinfeld

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. – Jim Davis

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. – George Carlin

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’– Claude Pepper

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam. – George Carlin

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. – Anton Chekhov

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one. – Sid Caesar

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. – Johnny Carson

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female. – Desmond Morris

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. – Robert Benchley

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. – Rodney Dangerfield

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. – Milton Berle

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. – George Bernard Shaw

Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art. – F. Scott Fitzgerald

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened. – Dr. Seuss

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. – Will Rogers

Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. – Socrates

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. – David Lee Roth

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. – Groucho Marx

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. – Sam Ewing

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. – Fred Allen

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. – Robert Frost

The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he. – Karl Kraus

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn

The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large. – Josh Billings

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. – Bryan White

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog. – Jay Leno

Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection. – Yakov Smirnoff

In the past 10,000 years, humans have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on roughly 2,500 gods. So the only difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are skeptical of 2,499 gods. We’re only one God away from total agreement. – Michael Shermer

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain

A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future. – Denis Waitley

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club. – Naguib Mahfouz

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. – W. C. Fields

I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do. – Dylan Thomas

Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else. – Mae West

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. – E. B. White

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. – Dale Carnegie

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month. – Theodore Roosevelt

Man has his will, but woman has her way. – Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. – Andy Borowitz

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. – Robert Frost

You’re only as good as your last haircut. – Fran Lebowitz

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment. – Betty White

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. – Dalai Lama

Political correctness is tyranny with manners. – Charlton Heston

I drink to make other people more interesting. – Ernest Hemingway

Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it. – M. Scott Peck

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. – Ron White

It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it. – Navjot Singh Sidhu

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. – Albert Einstein

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. – Mark Twain

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner

Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk. – Jim Rohn

At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. – Ann Landers

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. – Alan Dundes

Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine. – Joan Collins

Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us. – Stephen Colbert

Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs. – Martha Scott

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. – Nicolas Chamfort

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. – Dave Barry

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. – Paul R. Ehrlich

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. – George Bernard Shaw

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it. – Dick Cavett

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. – Charles Lamb

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. – Helen Rowland

He who laughs last didn’t get the joke. – Charles de Gaulle

A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know. – Laurence J. Peter

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller

If you’re going through hell, keep going. – Winston Churchill

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’– Conan O’Brien

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it. – Clarence Darrow

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. – Groucho Marx

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. – Thomas A. Edison

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. – Charles M. Schulz

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. – Albert Einstein

You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there. – Yogi Berra

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. – W. C. Fields

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?– Ronald Reagan

I am only human, although I regret it. – Mark Twain

If you come to a fork in the road, take it. – Yogi Berra

We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love. – Robert Fulghum

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!– Groucho Marx

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. – Will Rogers

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. – Norman Wisdom

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. – Clint Eastwood

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. – Rodney Dangerfield

If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity. – Bill Vaughan

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. – Henny Youngman

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory. – Paul Fix

The road to success is always under construction. – Lily Tomlin

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle. – Hillary Clinton

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?– Milton Berle

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. – Douglas Adams

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. – Oscar Wilde

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. – Kin Hubbard

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. – Abraham Lincoln

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. – Billy Sunday

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. – Lawrence Ferlinghetti

The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going. – Reinhard Bonnke

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. – John F. Kennedy

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left. – Oscar Levant

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own. – Si Robertson

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. – Steven Wright

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. – Robert Bloch

The world is a globe. The farther you sail, the closer to home you are. – Terry Pratchett

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong. – Charles Wadsworth

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. – Redd Foxx

I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort. – J. Paul Getty

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?– John Barrymore

I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection. – Drake

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. – Mark Twain

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?– Abraham Lincoln

Never have more children than you have car windows. – Erma Bombeck

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it. – Cullen Hightower

Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe. – Mark Twain

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. – Oscar Levant

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. – Dorothy Parker

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened. – Douglas Adams

If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes. – Chuck Palahniuk

My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition. – Indira Gandhi

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. – Dave Barry

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. – Rita Mae Brown

Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first. – Steve Irwin

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. – Emo Philips

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. – Thomas Sowell

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. – Mark Twain

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. – Emo Philips

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. – Mark Twain

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. – Margaret Mead

If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?– Cynthia Heimel

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily. – Zig Ziglar

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. – Don Marquis

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

To err is human; to admit it, superhuman. – Doug Larson

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. – Caroline Rhea

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often. – Oliver Herford

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. – Isaac Asimov

I’ve come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me out. – John Fugelsang

A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water. – Eleanor Roosevelt

Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. – Bill Vaughan

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. – Miles Kington

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. – Groucho Marx

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. – Demetri Martin

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!– Tom Lehrer

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. – Mark Twain

It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!– Steven Weinberg

The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth. – Jim Harrison

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck

God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk. – Meister Eckhart

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. – Prince Philip

Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it. – Salvador Dali

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults. – Thomas Szasz

High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. – Christopher Morley

Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away. – Benjamin Franklin

You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life. – Winston Churchill

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. – Bill Maher

Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do. – Voltaire