30 Funny and Short Quotes About Love from Famous Comedians

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” — Chris Rock

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner

“My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.” — Rodney Dangerfield

“My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.” — Ray Romano

“I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough.” — Russell Brand

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.” — Joan Rivers

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” — Richard Jeni​​

“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.” — Jackie Mason

“Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” — Erma Bombeck

“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling

“Women love a self-confident bald man.” — Larry David

“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” — Lily Tomlin

“A kiss may not be the truth but it is what we wish were true.” — Steve Martin as Harris Telemacher in L.A. Story

“If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.” — Chelsea Peretti

“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” — Garry Shandling

“If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.” — Fran Lebowitz

“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” — Phyllis Diller

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” — Groucho Marx

“I was like, Am I gay? Am I straight? And I realized … I’m just slutty. Where’s my parade?” — Margaret Cho

“Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. Now who’s asking the questions?” — Jack Handy

“Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” — George Burns

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” — Billy Crystal

“I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, “And another thing …” — Felicia Michaels

“I can’t make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75.” — Rob Delaney

“Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings.” — David Sedaris​

“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” — Natasha Leggero

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.” — Chelsea Handler

“My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor.” — Elayne Boosler

“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers.” — Richard Pryor