373 Hilarious and Funny Quotes to Make Your Day Better
I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect. – Oscar Wilde
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?– Steven Wright
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Robin Williams
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. – Francois de La Rochefoucauld
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. – Norm Crosby
Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours. – Yogi Berra
My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. – Jimmy Carter
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. – Andy Rooney
I’m in shape. Round is a shape. – George Carlin
I’m too drunk to taste this chicken. – Colonel Sanders
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. – Matt Groening
Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much. – Oscar Wilde
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. – Albert Einstein
I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag. – Molly Ivins
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. – Rita Rudner
Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories. – Jessica Simpson
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. – George Burns
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Al McGuire
Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both. – Janet Evanovich
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I. – Oscar Levant
Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. – Ellen DeGeneres
I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical. – Arthur C. Clarke
Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad. – Woody Allen
When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’– Sydney J. Harris
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. – Rodney Dangerfield
Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. – Albert Camus
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. – Cathy Guisewite
Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most. – Ozzy Osbourne
My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists. – Jean Rostand
Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you. – Jeffree Star
To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States. – George W. Bush
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces. – Will Rogers
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop. – Gertrude Stein
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. – Ann Landers
Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible. – Doug Larson
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. – Ashleigh Brilliant
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. – Winston S. Churchill
Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. – Bob Thaves
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?– Robin Williams
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. – Kurt Vonnegut
If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again. – Stan Laurel
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?– George Carlin
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. – Mitch Hedberg
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. – Woody Allen
Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. – William JamesA lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. – Winston Churchill
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. – Oscar Wilde
If you must make a noise, make it quietly. – Oliver Hardy
Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times. – Helen Rowland
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. – Bill Murray
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. – George Carlin
If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer. – Rob Corddry
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it. – George Bernard Shaw
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. – Steven Wright
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. – Will Rogers
If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you. – Billy Wilder
But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. – Carl Sagan
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. – Steven Wright
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. – Natalie Wood
A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. – Samuel Goldwyn
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?– Scott Adams
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. – Phyllis Diller
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. – James Thurber
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. – Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. – Rodney Dangerfield
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. – Jack Benny
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. – Casey Stengel
All men are equal before fish. – Herbert Hoover
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. – Groucho Marx
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. – Ellen DeGeneres
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. – Milton Berle
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. – George Carlin
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. – David Letterman
I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. – Fred Allen
A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. – Walter Bagehot
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. – H. L. Mencken
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. – Bernard Baruch
I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead. – Samuel Goldwyn
It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours. – Harry S. Truman
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. – Steven Wright
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. – Gore Vidal
Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know. – Daniel J. Boorstin
I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. – Woody Allen
All my life I’ve wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought. – Robert Breault
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government. – Edward Abbey
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. – Bill Murray
I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time. – Mark Twain
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. – Jackie Mason
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. – Alexander Woollcott
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. – Bob Hope
A day without laughter is a day wasted. – Charlie Chaplin
Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard. – Margaret Culkin Banning
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. – Harlan Ellison
That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. – George Carlin
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. – Mark Twain
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer. – Douglas Adams
Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. – Golda Meir
When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic. – Jane Wagner
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?– George Carlin
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. – Mark Twain
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. – Billy Sunday
Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid. – John Wayne
I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin
I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock. – Henny Youngman
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain
I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun. – Scott Adams
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – A. A. Milne
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more. – Walter Matthau
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. – W. C. Fields
Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something. – Enid Blyton
Life is a sexually transmitted disease. – R. D. Laing
The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper. – Bertrand Russell
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!– Billy Connolly
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward. – John Maynard Keynes
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’– Conan O’Brien
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed. – Josh Billings
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? – Jerry Seinfeld
That’s the funny thing about life. We’re rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present. – Lauren Miller
I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly. – Peter Cook
When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life. – Richard Lewis
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. – Mitch Hedberg
Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies. – Oliver Goldsmith
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. – Wilhelm II
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. – Ronald Reagan
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.’– Homer Simpson
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. – Benjamin Franklin
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?– Benny Hill
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. – Fred Allen
Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. – John Hughes
I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. – Thomas A. Edison
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. – Emo Philips
Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood. – Oscar Wilde
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. – Laurence J. Peter
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. – Mike Myers
Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something. – Mitch Hedberg
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. – Groucho Marx
War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography. – Ambrose Bierce
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right. – Ashleigh Brilliant
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. – Steven Wright
It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames. – Harry Hill
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. – Bill Watterson
I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. – Billy Connolly
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so. – Bertrand Russell
We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know. – W. H. Auden
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. – Earl Wilson
I hate women because they always know where things are. – Voltaire
I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job. – Samuel Goldwyn
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. – Lawrence Ferlinghetti
Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. – Laurell K. Hamilton
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. – Abraham Lincoln
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. – Steven Wright
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. – Buddy Hackett
I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me. – Marc Maron
If you lived with a roommate as unstable as this economic system, you would’ve moved out or demanded that your roommate get professional help. – Richard D. Wolff
Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. – Robert Orben
You cannot be anything if you want to be everything. – Solomon Schechter
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. – Francois de La Rochefoucauld
If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age. – George Burns
Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?– Jay Leno
It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. – Jerry Seinfeld
It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. – Muhammad Ali
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. – Jim Davis
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. – George Carlin
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’– Claude Pepper
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam. – George Carlin
Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. – Anton Chekhov
The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one. – Sid Caesar
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. – Johnny Carson
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female. – Desmond Morris
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. – Robert Benchley
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. – Rodney Dangerfield
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. – Milton Berle
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. – George Bernard Shaw
Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art. – F. Scott Fitzgerald
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened. – Dr. Seuss
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. – Will Rogers
Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. – Socrates
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. – David Lee Roth
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. – Groucho Marx
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. – Sam Ewing
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. – Fred Allen
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. – Robert Frost
The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he. – Karl Kraus
Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn
The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large. – Josh Billings
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. – Bryan White
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog. – Jay Leno
Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection. – Yakov Smirnoff
In the past 10,000 years, humans have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on roughly 2,500 gods. So the only difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are skeptical of 2,499 gods. We’re only one God away from total agreement. – Michael Shermer
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain
A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future. – Denis Waitley
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club. – Naguib Mahfouz
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. – W. C. Fields
I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde
An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do. – Dylan Thomas
Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else. – Mae West
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. – E. B. White
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. – Dale Carnegie
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month. – Theodore Roosevelt
Man has his will, but woman has her way. – Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. – Andy Borowitz
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. – Robert Frost
You’re only as good as your last haircut. – Fran Lebowitz
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment. – Betty White
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. – Dalai Lama
Political correctness is tyranny with manners. – Charlton Heston
I drink to make other people more interesting. – Ernest Hemingway
Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it. – M. Scott Peck
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. – Ron White
It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it. – Navjot Singh Sidhu
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. – Albert Einstein
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. – Mark Twain
“Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.”
“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.”
“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
“Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success.”
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it,”
“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
“I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?”
“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”
“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.”
“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!”
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
“Inside me, there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.”
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”
“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”
“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.”
“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.”
“I don’t hate you. I just don’t like that you exist.”
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.”
“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”
“Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.”
“You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D’s in school. Well, guess what, I get F’s!!”
“I can’t decide whether I’m a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I’m a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that’s how I know I’m a woman.”
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.”
“When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.”
“A real girl isn’t perfect and a perfect girl isn’t real.”
“Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.”
“Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.”
“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”
“A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself and hates them for it.”
“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.”
“Rejection is an opportunity for your selection.”
“I’m placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don’t know, possibly littering.”
“Just believe everything I tell you, and it will all be very, very simple.”
“A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
“Pressure is something you feel when you don’t know what the hell you’re doing.”
“What I actually want to call you is a hell of a lot more unprintable than your name.”
“However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, “I’m just crying because of how wrong you are.”
“I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.”
“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.”
“Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer.”
“I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.”
“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”
“My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.”
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner
Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk. – Jim Rohn
At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. – Ann Landers
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. – Alan Dundes
Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine. – Joan Collins
Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us. – Stephen Colbert
Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs. – Martha Scott
The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. – Nicolas Chamfort
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. – Dave Barry
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. – Paul R. Ehrlich
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. – George Bernard Shaw
As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it. – Dick Cavett
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. – Charles Lamb
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. – Helen Rowland
He who laughs last didn’t get the joke. – Charles de Gaulle
A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know. – Laurence J. Peter
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller
If you’re going through hell, keep going. – Winston Churchill
Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’– Conan O’Brien
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it. – Clarence Darrow
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. – Groucho Marx
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. – Thomas A. Edison
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. – Charles M. Schulz
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. – Albert Einstein
You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there. – Yogi Berra
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. – W. C. Fields
It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?– Ronald Reagan
I am only human, although I regret it. – Mark Twain
If you come to a fork in the road, take it. – Yogi Berra
We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love. – Robert Fulghum
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!– Groucho Marx
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. – Will Rogers
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. – Norman Wisdom
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. – Clint Eastwood
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. – Rodney Dangerfield
If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity. – Bill Vaughan
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. – Henny Youngman
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory. – Paul Fix
The road to success is always under construction. – Lily Tomlin
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle. – Hillary Clinton
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?– Milton Berle
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. – Douglas Adams
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. – Oscar Wilde
The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. – Kin Hubbard
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. – Abraham Lincoln
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. – Billy Sunday
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. – Lawrence Ferlinghetti
The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going. – Reinhard Bonnke
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. – John F. Kennedy
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left. – Oscar Levant
I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own. – Si Robertson
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. – Steven Wright
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. – Robert Bloch
The world is a globe. The farther you sail, the closer to home you are. – Terry Pratchett
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong. – Charles Wadsworth
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. – Redd Foxx
I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort. – J. Paul Getty
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?– John Barrymore
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection. – Drake
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. – Mark Twain
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?– Abraham Lincoln
Never have more children than you have car windows. – Erma Bombeck
Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it. – Cullen Hightower
Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe. – Mark Twain
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. – Oscar Levant
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. – Dorothy Parker
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened. – Douglas Adams
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes. – Chuck Palahniuk
My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition. – Indira Gandhi
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. – Dave Barry
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. – Rita Mae Brown
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first. – Steve Irwin
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. – Emo Philips
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. – Thomas Sowell
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. – Mark Twain
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. – Emo Philips
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. – Mark Twain
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. – Margaret Mead
If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?– Cynthia Heimel
People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily. – Zig Ziglar
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. – Don Marquis
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx
To err is human; to admit it, superhuman. – Doug Larson
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. – Caroline Rhea
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often. – Oliver Herford
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. – Isaac Asimov
I’ve come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me out. – John Fugelsang
A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water. – Eleanor Roosevelt
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. – Bill Vaughan
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. – Miles Kington
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. – Groucho Marx
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. – Demetri Martin
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!– Tom Lehrer
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. – Mark Twain
It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!– Steven Weinberg
The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth. – Jim Harrison
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck
God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk. – Meister Eckhart
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. – Prince Philip
Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it. – Salvador Dali
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults. – Thomas Szasz
High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. – Christopher Morley
Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away. – Benjamin Franklin
You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life. – Winston Churchill
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. – Bill Maher
Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do. – Voltaire
