50 George Carlin Quotes About Life, Sadness and Comedy

“He – and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.”
― George Carlin

“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”
― George Carlin

“Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.”
― George Carlin

“There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.”
― George Carlin

“I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!”
― George Carlin

“Personally I would never want to be a member of any group where you either have to wear a hat, or you can’t wear a hat.””
― George Carlin

“The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” -George Carlin

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” -George Carlin

“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”-George Carlin

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”-George Carlin

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”-George Carlin

“That’s why they call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.”-George Carlin

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.”-George Carlin

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”-George Carlin

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live.”-George Carlin

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”-George Carlin

“Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”-George Carlin

“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.”-George Carlin

“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”-George Carlin

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”-George Carlin

“He – and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.”-George Carlin

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”-George Carlin

“I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.”-George Carlin

“I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently, I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”-George Carlin

“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”-George Carlin

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”-George Carlin

“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”-George Carlin

“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”-George Carlin

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”-George Carlin

“How is it possible to have a civil war?”-George Carlin

“Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.”-George Carlin

“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”-George Carlin

“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelet?”-George Carlin

“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”-George Carlin

“Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”-George Carlin

“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck”-George Carlin

“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”-George Carlin

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”-George Carlin

“People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”-George Carlin

“If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”-George Carlin

“A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.”-George Carlin

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”-George Carlin

“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”-George Carlin

“When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front-row seat.”-George Carlin

“THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: ‘Please stop sucking my dick or I’ll call the police.”-George Carlin

“Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”-George Carlin

“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”-George Carlin

“I think I am, therefore, I am… I think.”-George Carlin

“If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.”-George Carlin

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