50 Ron Swanson Quotes to Bring Out Your Inner Parks and Rec Moments
“There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.” — Ron Swanson
“The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.” — Ron Swanson
“Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream, or be nothing.” — Ron Swanson
“Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.” — Ron Swanson
“When I eat, it is the food that is scared.” — Ron Swanson
“Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait … I worry what you heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?” — Ron Swanson
“I’ve cried twice in my life. Once when I was 7 and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed.” — Ron Swanson
“Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.” — Ron Swanson
“I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.” — Ron Swanson
“I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.” — Ron Swanson
“When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.” — Ron Swanson
“If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.” — Ron Swanson
“That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art.” — Ron Swanson
“Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are useless.” — Ron Swanson
“I regret nothing. The end.” — Ron Swanson
I’d wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.— Ron Swanson
There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.— Ron Swanson
Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.— Ron Swanson
Child labor laws are ruining this country.— Ron Swanson
I’m not interested in caring about people.— Ron Swanson
Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.— Ron Swanson
Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga except I still get to kill something.— Ron Swanson
There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.— Ron Swanson
There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger. Ron Swanson
There has never been a sadness that can’t been cured by breakfast food.— Ron Swanson
Strippers do nothing for me…but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.— Ron Swanson
One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.— Ron Swanson
No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here’s April and Andy’s: A hammer, a half-eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.— Ron Swanson
Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait… wait. I worry what you just heard was: Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?— Ron Swanson
I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.— Ron Swanson
I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.— Ron Swanson
When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.— Ron Swanson
It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.— Ron Swanson
My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My second ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My Mom’s name is Tamara…she goes by Tammy.— Ron Swanson
Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.— Ron Swanson
The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.— Ron Swanson
“Do you have any history of mental illness in your family? I have an uncle who does yoga.” — Ron Swanson
“Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.” — Ron Swanson
“I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.” — Ron Swanson
“There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.” — Ron Swanson
“Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.” — Ron Swanson
“Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.” — Ron Swanson
“Am I interrupting anything important? Impossible. I work for the government.” — Ron Swanson
“The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.” — Ron Swanson
“There is only one bad word: taxes.” — Ron Swanson
“Child labor laws are ruining this country.” — Ron Swanson
“When I walked in this morning and saw that the flag was half-mast, I thought ‘All right, another bureaucrat ate it!” — Ron Swanson
“I think that all government is a waster of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely by for-profit corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model.” — Ron Swanson
“My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke.” — Ron Swanson
“I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. He shows zero imitative. He’s not a team player. He’s never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I’m looking for in a government employee.” — Ron Swanson
