50 Sarcastic Quotes to Make Everyone Around You Roll their Eyes

“I can be quite sarcastic when I’m in the mood.”
― J.D. Salinger

“If money’s the god people worship, I’d rather go worship the devil instead.”
― Jess C Scott

“Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety-conscious behavior.”
― Stephenie Meyer

“So, you’re telling me the zoo commissioned you to make a zombie panda in order to avoid a potential international incident.”
― Lish McBride

“It’s weird, marriage. It’s like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their ‘other half.”
― Jess C. Scott

“We are the generation of Social Media; our biggest Revolution is a Tweet of 141 Characters.”
― Sandra Chami Kassis

“A man is a penis-wrinkle when calling him a dickhead would be a compliment.”
― NM Facile

“In every day and in every way, we’re all that much closer to death.”
― Charles Atkins

“I already know how I’m going to die”…”How?” I asked. “Spider bite. Or being sarcastic at the wrong time.”
― Abby Jimenez

“Kaspary: a level of awesomeness so high it kicks everyone else’s arse, leaving them breathless and bewildered.”
― Abigail Gibbs

“Are you really speechless or has the vodka finally impaired your ability to function like a normal human?”
― Heidi McLaughlin

“It’s not hard to fail…it’s hard to accept you failed…but once that’s out of the way, it’s pretty smooth sailing”
― Josh Stern

“Guys like him? They were the worst kind. All looks and no heart. Guys not like him? They were all deceiving, freaking asshats.”
― Rucy Ban

“Educational system in America is not as good as in China. You may be an idiot. It is hard to tell with you white people.”
― Kate Danley

“We’re automatons in a symphony conducted by a lunatic and performed by blind idealists.” Damon”
― Eleni Papanou

“Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back.”
― Richard Belzer

“I don’t like him. He makes me laugh. It’ll wrinkle my face.”
― Ljupka Cvetanova

“I’ll never understand ninety-nine percent of humanity. – Enoch”
― Ransom Riggs

“When you take a dig at someone, make sure that they don’t have a bigger shovel.”
― Anthony T.Hincks

“I stared at the phone, thankful it stopped bouncing right before tumbling over the edge. If I told Mom I needed another phone, she’d have a llama”
― Jus Accardo, Tremble

“If one wishes to elicit a reaction from the elusive species known as ‘reservus quietgirlius,’ one must poke.”
― Jules Barnard

“You don’t drink coffee? Are you human?”
― Karen Rose

“You can make fun of yourself and people will laugh at you. If you’re smart, you’ll end up as a comedian. If you’re not, you’ll end up as a clown.”
― Ljupka Cvetanova

“Keep your heads up! We are sinking!”
― Ljupka Cvetanova

“Flyaways should be called siblings because they are annoying and they get in the way.”
― Elisabeth Patterson

“People used to think that I was funny until I told them that it was a sickness.”
― Anthony T. Hincks

“Nietzsche said ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,’” Jim said to me as we slogged along another trash-strewn roadside.” “Yeah, right,” I said. “How about radiation?”
― Will McIntosh

“I really do mean to offend you, you know.”
― Kaycee Browning

“God is always willing to give you the best life possible. If you change your mind at any time you are free to go back to enjoying hell.”
― Shannon L. Alder

“I would think you’d be grateful, puppy. Kill some rabids, burn down a church—I don’t see a downside here, do you?”
― Julie Kagawa

“The Black Pit of Despair is temporarily closed for renovations. We apologize for any inconvenience.”
― David C Holley

“Understandably she had a lot of suitors, just like any other girls in China with two arms and legs.”
― Vann Chow

“One time, I went to a restaurant and I asked the waiter for some food for thought. He left, came back, and tried shoving a sirloin in my ear.”
― Travis Jeremiah Dahnke

“If all it takes to motivate you is a quote then this quote has nothing to say – except to go soar with the freakin’ eagles.”
― Ryan Lilly

“Your middle name might be discreet, but mine is resourceful, Darling.”
― Ella Dominguez

“You’re just a huge romantic at heart, aren’t you?”
“If there’s cash involved, I’m anything you want me to be.”
― Jasper Fforde

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright

“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.” – Albert Einstein

“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.” – Murphy’s Laws

“What we feel and think and are is to a great extent determined by the state of our ductless glands and viscera ” – Aldous Huxley

“Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.” – Robin Williams

“God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” – Robin Williams

“He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.” – Victor Borge

“Money can’t buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.” – Murphy’s Laws

“It’s a match made in heaven…by a retarded angel.” – Woody Allen

“What are the proper proportions of a maxim? A minimum of sound to a maximum of sense.” – Mark Twain

“One might be led to suspect that there were all sorts of things going on in the Universe which he or she did not thoroughly understand.” – Kurt Vonnegut

“Sarcasm is the last refuge of the imaginatively bankrupt.” -Cassandra Clare

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.” – Fred Allen